Hey, Giggles! (yes, he really calls me that)1. The gas stations are SELF-serve. We know you're used to Gomer pumpin' your gas and checkin' your oil, but it's time you did it yourself.
I read your blog today. Lots of
fun. Of course, being one of those "city folk" that you so malign, I felt I
needed to respond. Being a friend, I thought I'd do it privately, lest it be
misunderstood and cause hard feelings. So I simply took your list and turned it
around. (Thus, this is best read against your list.) Enjoy! (All in fun.)
an effort to help Southern folk understand the city, the following list should
be handed to each person as they enter the civilization known as L.A.
Angeles to those confused Louisianans):
2. It's called pavement. We know you're used to gravel and dirt roads, but these are designed for speeds greater than 40 MPH, so move it or lose it.
3. Wash the car from time to time. "Dirt" is not considered a status symbol here.
4. Just because we're not typically people that shoot wild animals doesn't make us tree huggers.
5. Go ahead and bring your shotgun hung in your back window. We call it a "fly swatter" compared to the Uzi's, AK's and who knows what else the bangers are carrying around.
6. Wash your clothes! You look like a dirt clod.
7. We will use our cell phones whenever we please. Get over it. It's considered rude to shoosh people just because you don't like their phone usage.
8. Yes, there is a wide variety of choices available. We won't force you to eat meat if you prefer not to. On the other hand, there is no shortage of food, whatever you might like.
9. Tea -- yeah, we have tea. You can have it hot, cold, sweetened, unsweetened, flavored, even green. Why would we want to limit you to one, limited preference?
10. Don't look too closely, and you can avoid whatever might offend you.
11. Yeah, you have a quarter of a million dollar combine that you use for two weeks a year. We prefer "labor saving devices" that we can use often without spending large sums and still have time for a workout at the gym.
12. Understand, traffic is not easy in the city. Green means go. Red means stop. Yellow means go real fast. If we're in the intersection before it's red, it's legal. Just be ready for it.
13. We have too much going on all at once to even begin to tell you what we will be doing on Saturday. But it's a fair bet there's boys' sports, the daughter's dance class, and soccer practice in there somewhere. Don't be surprised.
14. We don't do "slower than molasses in January" well.
15. Greens -- yeah, we have greens. We putt on them. (We figured it would be good for you to know, so as not to get wacked with a putter while you're trying to eat.)
16. Yeah, we eat fish, beef, chicken, sushi, caviar, and who knows what else. Live a little.
(we do... and we know better than to ask "What's in the gumbo?")
17. They are cows. That's what they smell like. We prefer to keep them as far from civilization as possible, but we apologize for the oversized dairies. Don't like it? We're pretty sure the road you came in on goes both ways.
18. Grit is part of sandpaper. You can buy your grits in most supermarkets, but don't expect them to be like home.
19. The "Opener" refers to the first home game of the local sports team. Please leave that shotgun in the back. It's not the beginning of duck season.
20. So every person doesn't wave? Yeah, you try to wave to the typically 100,000 drivers on the road every day and see how long you hold up. Give it a rest.
21. Yeah, we have golf courses. The term "water hazard" isn't serious -- leave the shotgun in the truck.
22. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving with a loaded weapon in the window --her name is "Ma'am," no matter how much she resembles a Hollywood starlet.
23. We have gangs. You drive that pickup into the wrong part of town, and that shotgun in the window will simply make you a target. Don't go there.
24. Yeah, you think we're liberal, American-hating city folk. Don't make that mistake. We love America as much as you do. We just happen to think that open-mindedness and diversity aren't bad things.
(Is that why California is called the Granola State?)